You Can't Change Others — Stop Trying

In the esoteric tradition there is a koan worth pondering deeply. Two young disciples were caring for an old master who was gravely ill — he could no longer even walk, and every day someone had to help him bathe and attend to his basic needs: food, clothing, shelter, and travel. After the two disciples entered monastic life, they spent their entire days tending to the old master, with no time for anything else.

One day the two brothers discussed their situation. The senior brother said: "If we go on like this, our cultivation in this life will amount to nothing — neither of us will be practicing at all. One of us has to go out and study, cultivate some profound teachings, and come back to teach the other." The junior brother said: "What you say makes sense — that's right, too. Rather than going on this way, it's better for one of us to go out and study." The two of them drew lots before the Buddha to see who would go out and study and who would stay at the temple to care for the old master. The lot fell to the senior brother to go out and study, while the junior brother stayed to look after the master's daily needs. There was nothing to say about it — this was the will of the Three Jewels.

The senior brother left, carrying the junior brother's hopes, and traveled to many places to study. The junior brother, meanwhile, tended the old master. Three years later, the senior brother returned, having learned many profound Dharma methods. He told the junior brother that over those three years he had cultivated many wondrous teachings, and he began transmitting them one by one. The junior brother listened with great joy. The senior brother said: "Junior brother! In those three years, besides caring for the master, what else did you do?" He answered: "I also have one practice — I recite the Universal Gateway chapter exclusively." "Then recite it for me and let me hear!"

The junior brother settled into full lotus and began to recite from memory. Because he had been reciting the Universal Gateway whenever he had a spare moment, the moment it began — what is called the universal gateway's manifestation — his mind attuned to the chapter itself. "One is infinite, the infinite is one": the state manifested, and his whole body-mind radiated a great light. Seeing this, the senior brother exclaimed: "Ah! Even a single Universal Gateway chapter can give rise to such wondrous merit!"

What is worth pondering in this koan is this: we are accustomed to chasing after external things, thinking that externals can lift us up — this notion is wrong! In truth, external things are only a contributing condition.

I have been in monastic life for twenty-one years and have been running monastic education for more than a decade. I have one insight to share with you. Some of you may one day become teachers or elders — please remember this saying:

Don't try to change the other person; you can't. For a person to change, there is only one circumstance — they themselves want to change!

Try it and see. When their conditions aren't ripe, all you can do is wait. Every awakening begins with self-awareness — an awakening that arises from within. If the time hasn't come for them, your worry accomplishes nothing. To speak plainly: if they don't want to change themselves, there's nothing you can do. So what role does a true teacher (kalyāṇa-mitra) play? We can create a condition; we can influence the other, but we cannot change them. What we can do is create a beautiful environment in which they change themselves.

Have any of you thought about this: why do we receive the precepts?

When receiving the precepts, the Three Masters require you yourself to make the vow. No one can make the vow in your place — it is precisely that I myself want to change! "I, disciple so-and-so, regarding my past… let the past not be mentioned; the past is past. From now on, my life will do only three things: I vow to cut off all evil, I vow to cultivate all good, and I vow to save all sentient beings."

Do you know whose three vows these are? These are the Buddha's vows! When you hold up the Buddha as your own standard and make this vow, your life has already taken on a new direction. This is why receiving the precepts is called "adding a new life beneath the throne of the Dharma King." Don't underestimate it — when a prince is born, his merit surpasses that of all ministers. Though he has accomplished nothing yet, the vow he has made is the same as the Buddha's vow. It is like the birth of a young prince: he has done nothing, and contributed nothing to the nation, but he is of royal seed. We who have given rise to bodhicitta are showing that we are of the Buddha-seed. As for when that seed will bear fruit, no one knows — but its potential is boundless, because the vow we have made is the same as the Buddha's vow; the Buddha's vow is also: to cut off all evil, to cultivate all good, and to save all sentient beings!

Therefore, the aspiration you begin with will determine your future outcome, and such an aspiration cannot be replaced by anyone, and no one can help you make it. For a person to advance and change, it's possible only when you yourself want to change. This is why receiving the precepts must be done with your own vow — this is the reason.

In other words, in any transformation of one's life, the first factor comes from your new hope — this is the turning point of your life.