Two Stories About Marriage

Mr. Qian Zhongshu famously observed that marriage is a besieged city: those on the outside long to enter, while those on the inside yearn to leave. A harsh truth, however, is that most people — whether they are entering this city or scrambling to escape it — do so in a haze of confusion, never truly comprehending the true nature of marriage. Below are two stories about marriage, which I hope will offer you some food for thought.

I. Reversed Karmic Cycles: A Grandson Marries His Grandmother

In ancient times, there was an enlightened monk who was passing by a household one day, just as the family was holding a wedding. The house was decorated with colorful lanterns, and the scene was bustling with joy. The old monk used his spiritual powers to see the karmic ties this family had formed in past lives, and he sighed as he recited a gatha: Ancient and odd, odd and ancient: A grandson weds his own grandmother. Pigs and sheep sit on the heated brick bed, Six close kin are boiled in the pot instead. A girl eats the flesh of her mother from a past life, A boy beats a drum made from his father's hide from a past life. All have come to offer their congratulations, But I tell you, this whole scene is nothing but suffering.

The monk explained to the onlookers: the young groom had been doted on relentlessly by his grandmother as a child, and even on her deathbed, she could not stop thinking of him. Driven by this deep attachment, after her death she was reborn as a human, and pulled by the force of karma, she ended up marrying the very grandson she had been obsessed with, and would go on to care for him once more! And that was not all: the relatives feasting on the heated brick bed were all pigs, sheep, and other livestock in their previous lives, reborn as humans in this one. The chicken, duck, fish, and meat simmering in the pot were all close family members of these same people from their previous lives! One girl was eating with great relish, and the bite of meat she took was actually her own mother from a past life! A man was beating a drum whose head was made of cowhide — that cow was his own father from a past life! Tragically, none of those present understood these cause-and-effect connections, and they continued to offer their congratulations anyway. So the old monk said with a sigh: "All have come to offer their congratulations, but I tell you, this whole scene is nothing but suffering!"

Every time I read this story, I get chills down my spine. It is exactly as the Shurangama Sutra says: when a human dies, they become a sheep; when a sheep dies, they become a human. Grievances and debts are repaid endlessly, with no end in sight. This also explains why so many couples end up filled with resentment for one another: they carry karmic debts from past lives. The same holds true for children and grandchildren: all familial relationships fall into one of four categories: repaying kindness, repaying grievance, collecting a debt, or repaying a debt. That is why ancient people had this couplet:

Husband and wife are bound by fate: Good fate or ill fate, only those with a karmic connection will come together. Children are a matter of debt: They come to collect what is owed, or to repay what they owe; where there is no debt, they will not come.

So when faced with unsatisfactory circumstances — an unkind wife, unfilial children — do not always blame others. Instead, take time to reflect on yourself, for all that befalls you is drawn to you by your own karma. If you had the ability to see your past lives and perceive the karmic ties from previous incarnations, I believe everyone would be calm and at peace. For instance, if your wife torments you, you may blame heaven and everyone else, unable to make sense of why. But you must know that in your past life, you tormented her in exactly the same way; you simply forgot all about it after cycling through rebirth. Now the karmic conditions have converged, and she is here to collect the debt you owe her, pulled by the force of karma to torment you. If you refuse to acknowledge this debt and continue to meet her with hostility, you will create new negative karmic ties, and suffer even more in the future. Once the debt is repaid and the karma is cleared, the situation will naturally improve. This is why Buddhists often say to "treat it as repaying a debt" — this is not mere self-comfort in moments of helplessness, but a wise choice made after deeply understanding the principles of cause and effect.

II. Only Those with Matching Merit and Karma Are Suited to Be Husband and Wife

The Sutra of the Differentiation of Merits records the following story:

There was a devout couple in the city of Shravasti who were faithful followers of the Three Jewels, and practiced their faith with great diligence. Later, the wife died at a young age, but because of her deep reverence for the Three Jewels, she was reborn after death as a heavenly maiden in the Trayastrimsa Heaven, and was exceedingly beautiful. The heavenly maiden thought to herself: "I am so beautiful, what mortal man in the world could be a worthy match for me?" So she used her heavenly eye to observe her husband from her past life, and found that he had already grown very old, had left the secular world to become a monk, and spent his days sweeping stupas. The heavenly maiden descended from heaven, surrounded by a soft radiance, and appeared before him. The monk saw her and asked what karmic tie had brought her to him. The maiden replied: "I was your wife in a past life, and have been reborn as a heavenly maiden. There is no suitable husband for me in the heavenly realm. Seeing that you diligently sweep stupas, you will surely be reborn in heaven in the future; I hope that when you are reborn there, you will still be my husband." After hearing this, the monk became even more diligent in repairing stupas and temples. Later, the heavenly maiden came to him again and said: "Your accumulated merit now surpasses mine, and you are destined to be reborn in the Tushita Heaven. I can no longer be your wife." After hearing this, the monk devoted himself even more to his practice, and eventually attained arhatship.

This story illustrates a core principle: beings with matching karma are drawn to one another. Therefore, the traditional ideal of "matching social status" in marriage is not just about external material conditions, but fundamentally about the level of merit each person has accumulated. You are what you attract. Want to improve your marriage and your life? Cultivate merit! Take couples who both try to dominate the other, to "get the upper hand" over their partner: this almost always leads to conflicts piling up deeper and deeper. So I would also like to take this opportunity to advise anyone in this situation: if your wife does not respect you, work hard to cultivate merit: chant the Buddha's name more, eat more vegetarian meals, release more captive animals, give more alms, and dedicate all the merit you accumulate each day both to yourself and to your partner. As your merit grows, she will naturally come to respect you. Once past karmic debts are settled, negative karmic ties will turn into positive ones, and there are countless examples of this.

III. Chant the Buddha's Name, Whether the Bond Is Good or Ill

As noted earlier, the bond between husband and wife can be either a positive karmic tie or a negative one. If it is a positive karmic tie, the couple is deeply compatible, as harmonious as a well-tuned zither, and remains faithfully together their whole lives — this is of course something to admire. But do not forget that all beings must die one day. Even if you remain together for a hundred years, when your lifespan ends, you will still have to part, and cannot avoid heart-wrenching grief and immense reluctance to let go. This is the suffering of "separation from loved ones", one of the eight sufferings in life. If the bond between a couple is a negative karmic tie, they will argue constantly their whole lives, torment each other, and be left emotionally scarred; driven by resentment, they will create new grudges — this is endless retaliation, with no end in sight. This is the suffering of "being with those you detest", another of the eight sufferings in life.

Therefore, no matter whether the karmic tie is good or ill, both parties should chant the Buddha's name devoutly. In this life, you can turn negative karmic ties into positive ones, and further strengthen existing positive karmic ties. At the end of your life, you will be reborn in the Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss, and become spiritual companions forever in the Lotus Pond Assembly — this is the ultimate path to liberation.

Namo Amituofo!